A Correspondence on Depression and Being in Resignation

Tom wrote, in response to my email:
"ok - i'm on a roll today - this is for all those who are depressed or sad for some lame reason...
you have so many thoughts there...
you should get a blog.... jus kidding...
yeah... i have a [relative] who is always depressed....
and it annoys the f*** out of me...
which is i think half the reason why i sent that out...
life is short....
my quote is....
if you don't like it,
don't complain...
do something about it... either accept it or do something about it but shut the f*** up.....
we are the luckiest country in the world and this country has some of the luckiest people in the world.
every day i wake up and spend a moment being grateful. period."

I replied:
"As for depression, that is sometimes what happens when people get "stuck" in their situation in life. Being stuck sometimes means realizing that what one is doing isn’t working but we lack the ability to take steps to move on. The result is resignation and we sometimes say we are "depressed".

At present, there at 10s of millions of people in the US who definitely feel stuck. Some feel trapped, and they are. They expected that their life would be a certain way; we were "invincible" and it would turn out because we willed it to be that way. Well, surprise. I have a favorite saying: "God loves us, but the universe doesn’t care." So it is.

It's unfortunate that the government manipulated the economy for as long a period as they did. That resulted in a very long period (nearly 40 years) in which the US avoided a really nasty recession. By that I mean one with at least 10% unemployment for at least 18 months.

As a result, everyone got "fat and happy". A few intermediate recessions would have given people the opportunity to "exercise" some of the muscles that have atrophied over the past decades, and deal with some serious unpleasantries. Now the "artificial" economy has collapsed and millions remain in hock up to their eyeballs, or stuck in a home they cannot sell, etc. I'm glad [a friend] did sell his house; that gives him and [his spouse] the opportunity to relocate or whatever. Many aren't so fortunate and are stuck and can't relocate; you should be glad you didn't purchase.

Then there are those who say "just do it" to which [a relative] and Nike belong. I've stated that I hate that quip. It implies that one never needs to prepare and that there are no difficult choices. True, one can just "do it" but I also think that if one does, then he or she should be prepared "to pay the price". There are choices to be made. Of course, the "smart rat" will say that "it is the way it is" because they "chose it that way." Yeah, right. So how about taking on one of the things I am avoiding to do and "choosing" to do that? I once told a proponent of "just do it" that each and every day I pick a task I really, really don't want to do and I do that. It's an exercise in preparation for making difficult choices, but I still avoid some of the more uncomfortable tasks.

I personally hate it when people pretend they have no choice. We always have a choice. It may be "expensive" to walk from a house that is under water. It may make us uncomfortable to relocate, or to take a risk. Or there may be a price, such as personal choice to commute to and from Chicago each day. Some years ago I turned down an offer to move and rent in the city; sure, I could reverse commute 35 miles each way each and every day; no thanks! I wasn't willing to spend 2 to 3 hours daily commuting. That's 10% of my life spend doing nothing, or something that works for them. But they still thought it was a good idea.

When someone has an agenda, their idea is always a good idea, since it supports their agenda.

Getting back to the subject of unpleasantries and depressions, since I met my spouse I frequently tell her that today might be the best day of our lives and we should brace for unpleasant times. I didn't mean simply financial. We have many elderly relatives. Life expectancy in the US is about 78 years. As I look at the ages of many relatives and it doesn't take a rocket scientist to realize that we may lose one or more each year. I'm not sure how the family will handle it when some close relatives leave this earth. Based on a recent funeral in which there almost wasn't a "public" ceremony, I can hardly wait for the next installment....

As for the depressed relative who annoys you, I suggest you don't let him or her, or any one else get to you. Focus on yourself and your relationship with [your girlfriend].

The rest of us can deal with our own lives in our own manner. We are all adults and it is insulting to treat anyone as something else. Yeah, I know we all want and need sympathy at some level. So what. As a very hard employer once told me when I was struggling "If you need sympathy, you can find it in the dictionary between shit and syphilis." He was absolutely correct.

As a story, I have a relative who always gets involved in helping those he selects and defines as the "little guy" or those who are struggling. So now he has lost just about everything and part of it was he refused to keep his eye on the ball. I have suggested that he enter the ministry or some such if that is his purpose in life. Otherwise, stop screwing around and live his life well and be an example to others. Same advice as I give to anyone. The best he can do for his grown children is be self reliant and be "available" as a father. I suggest no hand-holding, no pseudo therapy, no feel good crap."


Comment:
The above slightly edited from the original to remove personal information.